for Robb....

i dont know what to say.

i was shocked by the news about Robb's cancer. as soon as i saw a few emails saying 'urgent' and 'Robb Heaton' i knew something was wrong. i prayed 'god please dont let it be cancer again' of course then i read the emails and literally ran to Steve+midges house and prayed with them for a while. i had to go and find somewhere quite, then i broke down. im not ashamed to say i cried my eyes out. it was the first time in my adult life i have genuinely cried and not been able to stop. i sat there for over an hour.

i started to remember the things that Robb said to me at our cell group leaving party a few months ago before i left. he is a good friend and i love him dearly. there is nothing i can really do being this far away. if anyone see's him can you please tell him that i am thinking of him. i dont know whether he will read this, i assume not.

i cant underestimate how sad and shocked i have been feeling about this whole situation.

so in one sense it has been a traumatic week that reached a climax this morning in church. we had two new khmer come along for the first time so i needed to change my plans for the worship and include some more khmer songs to help them feel at home. unfortunately i am still learning the songs so really badly bluffed my way through it. i was relieved to have it over by the end, although steve was encouraging i felt utterly crap. a plus point was that straight after we had our khmer cell group/alpha style bible study. which is always good and vern one of the new guys is really interested and asking some great questions. so i am feeling good about that...can you see i am trying to be positive!

i managed to break my bike aswell. the line that connects the motor to the engine got cut open somehow. its a pain not to be able to use it untill i can take it to the repair shop. ughhhh stress. again, though, on a plus i took a moto taxi to church this morning and the guy was 20 years old and said that he learned to play guitar and sings christian songs. it is hard to assume that means he is a christian but it was nice to meet him anyway. he sits on the corner all day every day just outside my house, so im going to chat with him a bit more and practice my khmer with him.

some people who know me well might say that im clumsey, i would argue that im accident prone. either way i managed to drop this big heavy metal padlock on my foot which left me with this big cut. fortunately i was searching through my stuff and found the first aid kit lucy made for me to bring here and raided it for plasters. i found some paracetemol as well and downed a few of them! i also had heat rash on my left hand and my forearm which is a little worrying as ive never had it before, at first i thought it was leprosey or something. good thing it has nearly gone now.

forgive my complaining (and spelling), iam trying to paint a real picture of what it is like here and my day-to-day struggles. i hope i am being honest enough for you to understand that i am not in paradise and for you to realise that there is a cost that has to be paid. the gospel is advancing here at a steady pace, sometimes its barers struggle.

dedicated to Robb. i am thinking and praying for you always my brother and friend.

Ben.

glutous maximus

It turned out to be a real good few days down at the beach, a few days i wish had turned into a week. i was tempted by a gesthouse with beds for $3 a night. i figured i could live here pretty cheap for a few months then catch a bus home. my adult reason turned on and i humbly got into the car, a truely defeated and under adventurous traveller. maybe 2 monhs was too much anyway, i could have stayed for another couple of nights!

so straight after my last blog, in the shack just off the beach, i went and parked my glutous maximus in this nice little restaurant, one of the many that litter the beach front. i sipped a glass of ice cold beer and shoved mouthful after mouthful of lok-lak down my gob whilst watching a rather magical sunset. it made me think that actually i have seen this before many times whilst sitting on worthing beach or up on the downs. im just seeing it from a different angle today. its strange what the mind does when its starved of rational human conversation. i sat back and finished my book then partisipated in some fire poi khmer style...
...i enjoyed it soo much i did the same thing the next day at a different place then suddenly realised that you could do this for weeks before getting bored, there are soo may beaches with soo many bars and restaurants, what at first seemed a rather small and unappealing place suddenly opened up into a world of possible relaxation and chilled out beach bars. i must say the temptation to stay was huge. im glad im back in the city now though! cheap internet!

the three days cost me $25 per day, thats living pretty well. i recon i could survive down there on $12 a day. i will have to make another trip at some point to test my estimate.

i bought a bunch of books from a bookstore in sihanoukville. the political biography of pol-pot, a khmer dictionary and a book called 'off the rails in phnom penh' its all about the drugs, guns and girls of cambodia a paints a very vivid picture of life in the late nineties in the city. i must say although some of the stories dont leave much to the imagination it has been quite captivating and opened up a whole new understanding of the political scene, the recent history, and various funny anecdotes about westerners trying to buy guns and huge bags of heroine from market sellers. it is a strange world where anything that once seemed crazy to anyone with any common sense or conscience, now seems normal and acceptable.

life and times of a solitary adventurer.
Ben.

if you know what i mean...

so it turns out there is an internet cafe at the beach... its not really a cafe and im amazed it can sustain any decent internet service. it is basically a bamboo shack in a field with half a dozen computers casually slotted in either side. i cant imagine what they do when it rains. plus it costs 3 times more per hour so i was a bit narked. it is still only about 60p for an hour, but when your paying about 18p in the city it really bothers you.

the beach here is ok. if you got rid of all the tourists it would be a great place. it is actually really beautiful and the hotel is nice. it has cable tv and aircon which is worth every penny. unfortunately this means ive been lying on my bed watching premiership football ever since we arrived. appart from a bunch of beach bars and boat rides to nearby islands there isnt a lot to do which is nice. most of the people here are in big groups travelling together. which makes you feel a bit stupid sitting on your own. maybe im still too conscious of what other people think?

the ride down was good. it took 3 1/2 hours and we stopped at this waterfall outside the town whcih again was really beautiful. im going to try and post some photos when i get back to the city. like everything here something has potential to be really nice but is overshadowed (in my opinion) by the realities of khmer culture. for example, there is litter everywhere, which ruins the beach, there are more beggers and girls offering a massage (if you know what i mean). plus a lot of tourists who come here have few goals other than drinking and meeting locals (if you know what i mean) so it all makes for a fairly immoral place. fortunately i have sky sports to keep me company!

i realised yesterday, as i sat on the beach looking deep into the gulf of thailand and trying to avoid getting stung by all the jelly fish that were washing up around me, that i am as far away from home as i could ever possibly be. i wanted to get away and see the world, now i have.

we're half way there whoa-oa living on a prayer.
Ben.

BIG chunk of wood.

well its been a busy week. as they say time fliys when your having fun. time flys faster when your busy. ive hit my stride in terms of work and have a pretty full shedule.

its been great in terms of building for the future. this week alone we met three khmer men my age who all want to come to church and learn about Jesus. i wish i could take credit for it but Sothy(sotea) and Danet(dan-i) are really good at bringing others in. its been great to be faced with the prospect of some male Khmer in the church. there are barely any men both western and khmer so it would be great to boost the testosterone level.

so in answer to a bunch of emails about the specifics of my future plans. here we go. by the way did you notice how i went off on this self righteous rant about telling someone so its hard to back out of a decision then i didnt say a word about what i had decided? i have a big chunk of wood in my eye.

im planning 2 years in advance at the moment.

1. carpentry apprentership? i think this is a wise decision and ive always wanted to get a trade. plus building stuff is just soo cool.
2. leadership trainning with new frontiers. its a possibility but who knows?

then i have a bunch of stuff i have been delaying which i have decided to get done over these two years...like driving lessons.

i have a more in depth list which im not going to publish on here because it includes other more personal information, but rest assured i will tell someone about that stuff so all the bases are covered.

im probably not going to be able to post abnything on here till next weekend because of the long awaited beach trip this week. feel free to picture me sunning it up on a beach in the gulf of thailand with a decent novel in one hand and a pint of ice cold lager in the other. this is all i want. i hope i wont be dissappointed.

long live the king.

Ben.

a poor unsuspecting sun lounger

Its been an interesting few days. we had a boat party for Emily, a lady in the church who is going back to England for a period of time to get refreshed. no one is sure if she will come back though. life here can be really hard for people who put everything into it and see very small results. i think it has been a hard time for her. either way she is pretty sad to be going to England. i dont know if that is how i will feel but i tell you the truth i stood there all evening wishing it was my leaving party. i guess you could say im feeling home sick, although i hate to admit it.

Steve and I had the ''chat'' that had been booked in for over a month and i was desperately trying to avoid. Steve challenged me about planning for the future...something I came to Cambodia to avoid...or at least delay for another year. So i spent some time thinking about it and weighing up my options. Bob, who was over for a month from New Zealand, was really helpful, we went out a few times together just to chat and make use of his decades of experience. he is a truely remarkable man. i have a lot of respect for him. he said that its great to make decisions but unless you tell someone about them it is all too easy to back out and not commit to them. so there we go...i told someone. as soon as i did i was thinking 'have i made the right decisions?' I said to Lucy in an email the other day that my biggest fear is making the wrong decision. Im learning to get over it! its blummin hard though.

in other news...
i had my first Khmer hair cut. you have 3 options with this.
1 - you can go to a western salon ($4-7)
2 - Khmer salon ($1-2)
3 - you can have some dodgy looking bloke on the side of the road do it ($0.3)

i went to a Khmer salon and paid a buck. i think it was worth it, but next time im gonna argue and get it cheaper. apparently i paid too much. i dont know whether that was a comment about the state of my hair after the cut or just a genral comment about Khmer slaons, either way it doesnt look too bad. unlike when dad shaved our heads for world cup2002, i will leave that one to your imaginations...

...really flippin looking forward to going to the beach on monday. i cant wait to get away. i really need a holiday, so it should be good. im not planning on doing anything all week. i have a stack of books and a body of pale skin. so i will set up camp down on some poor unsuspecting sun lounger for the week.

It has been really great reading emails from people all over the world who have been checking out the blog. it has been a real encouragement, so thanks a bunch.
If you havent but want to the address is:
bentucker_87@hotmail.com
please stay in touch.

Psalm 91:1
Ben.

punching walls

glad to hear things are starting to get cold in the UK. sadly things are starting to heat up this end of the line. i remember like it was yesterday going to bed with a hot waterbottle in my sleeping bag under a big double duvet whilst still partially clothed. ahh heene road.

it has been good making friends here (as i mentioned in my philosophical rant in the last blog) yet it dawned on me that because of everything im doing here and the whole reason im here it is hard to build lasting friendships. everything i do here whether it be to do with the church or anything else is all linked into the whole bigger picture of my experience in this culture. so in some respects making friends feels a bit like going to work. unlike in worthing if i wanted to detach myself from the stress of working for the church, i could go and hide somewhere, but here it is impossible to find anywhere to retreat to. even my home and friends, outside of the church, cannot help me with this one. they are all part of my life here and i cannot escape it.

having said all that i havent really wanted to escape...yet. even someone with the best intentions still needs to find somewhere quiet where they can punch the wall.

...........change of subject needed

still looking at hummingbirds on ebay. its still going to be a while before i can afford one but there is a plan set in motion. i dread to think what has happened to jo-anna (my takamine) in the hands of joseph witchurch. i need another girl to name the next guitar after...any suggestions?

live long and prosper.
Ben.

a philosophical week.

its been a strange week. ive nearly hit 8 weeks away from home. a couple of days ago i bought a moto (scooter) which has been great fun, getting out and about on it has given me the freedom i knew i really needed. plus its just so cool. i felt so homesick when dad told me about his new car...ughhhhh.

www.sjtucker.blogspot.com
its pretty sweet.

we're going down to the beach in 2 weeks time which should be good, although im not sure how itsa going to be having a holiday with the smith boys. to be honest i think i need a holiday without them. but either way my new philosophy continues to lead me into interesting situations and relationships...

My New Philosophy:
'never turn down an oppertunity to build relationships'
its that simple.
however, it means that even if i feel crappy i still go out if im invited, or if im unsure about doing something or its with someone i dont really know all that well, ive decided to jump for everything thats thrown my way. the idea being that i will get the most out of my time away.
i was also thinking about life...as you do when you have alot of time with nobody but yourself, and it dawned on me that life is just one constant string of relationships. whether they are long or short you meet people and build them everyday. they are what makes life interesting. if someones life is predictable and boring i would suggest it is because they have stopped caring about the people around them and have shut themselves off.
anyway there it is.

so with this in view ive been meeting some really strange people with equally strange stories. we went down to the 'backpackers'part of town last week. i went with issac who i barely know and we picked up his friend mike who i just met that evening. we went down to a quiz night at the lazy geko bar. issac took off to attend a pregnant woman and left me with mike who i just met...
...so mike see's this bunch of girls he met at a halloween party the night before so we sat with them...again i didnt know any of them. we all chipped in on the quiz questions and by the end of the night wo won by a slim margin. everyone who plays chips in a doller then the winning team takes all. unfortunately these girls had by this time a pretty huge tab (they were drinking alot) so most of the money went to pay that off...but i did get $5 out of it. so not a bad evening altogether. having said that the company although interesting were not exactly wholesome and the conversation was far from edifying. that payed my food bill for the week.

football continues to be my social highlight of the week. the 'womb' refers to a big cut in my elbow i suffered from getting a little too competative. although, this week just gone was by far the dirtist so far. my goodness. it was great. i think i have a few enemies now...

must go i have people to meet and relationships to build.
email me at : bentucker_87@hotmail.com
please forward this email and by blog address on to others. thanks for reading.
relaxing and maxing.
Ben.

sack of potato's

i hope these posts are still proving interesting to read. maybe this one will be more interesting.
...
the night was halloween and the sun had fallen behind a blanket of darkness. the moon was draped in a foggy mist and roamed in the air like a thief in the night. for many this would be a normal night. for others it would prove so horrible that no words could mask the events of such happenings only the testimony of those who were unfortunate enough to be eye witnesses.

a small gathering of friends under the shadow of an abandoned hotel would prove a worthy adversary for a night of intense competative sport and manly showmanship. the ego in the air was almost as pungent as the odor from sweaty shirts. legs were sent flying. reputations were forming and amongst the ego,odor and spooky mist one man finds himself with the ball at his feet. running like the wind he hit his stride. with a foot on the ball and a balance momentarily misplaced the valient warrior hits the ground harder than a sack of potatos. the makeshift arena fell silent as blood poured from the womb and sweat dripped from the brow of a fallen giant. yet all was not lost as the ball rolled into the net to the sound of 'champions!'

the night was a staggering sucess for the underdogs who came out on top despite being massively under manned and full of rubbish thai's. this night like many others sums up the social lives of a large proportion of expat blokes in PP.

praise God for football.