1975

i had a terrible day which is bad for me but good for you as it means i have some interesting things to write about.

i just popped up to the british embassy to try and get some forms for tevy who is hopefully going to come to england this summer for the brighton conference. and in the process went to a whole new part of the city i have never even driven through before. i drove right past the french embassy which probably wont mean anything to anyone unless your french or interested in modern cambodian history. the french embassy was the place where all the expats went when pol pot and his khmer rouge troops took the city in 1975, it is where the film 'killing fields' is set and is steeped in history. so it was interesting to see that although they have clearly replaced the old building with a shiny new one and a giant wall blocks any view of the compound, still it was enough for me to pull over and gaze for a few seconds. just round the corner is the british embassy which looks like a small pig farm in comparisson but, rather impressively blocks an entire street with its anti truck bomb barriers. wisely for the french they decided, for the most part, to keep out of bush's wear on terror, which is convienient for the cambodian authorities because the french embassy ios right smack bang on the main street in the city, blocking that road would prove diplomatically and physically stupid.

then i intended to pop over to the post office and was on my way when i realised that i didnt have the letter i was going to send, so doubled back on myself and took a wrong turn at a very confusing intersection and was briskly pulled over by the police, which obviously started my heart pounding as my mouth resembled something like the sarah desert. however quick to calm my nerves the police man spoke ok english so i explained to him that i had gotten lost and hadnt seen the no turning right sign which for the record is on the wrong side of the road and hidden behind a tree. he quickly hit back by asking some rather probing questions about my wonderfully crappy motobike, which un fortunately for me is nopt only unlicenced but was bought ilegally and i am driving it illegally. fortunately for me 8 out of 10 nikes in phnom penh are in the same situation as mine and the same amount of drivers dont have a licence or any paperwork. so i was a little worried but then when i asked him to write the fine and let me go he said for that i had to wait untill 6 o'clock at this point it was 4:15, i wasnt going to sit there for that long so i asked him how much to go now and he said $10 to which i laughed because i know that the fine is $1.25. i managed to negotiate my way down to a dollar for him and his friend and then they let me go, after which i shouted at myself 'ben you stupid bugger'. i then proceeded to feel awefully sick and guilty bedcause of the fact that i had just bribed a police man. i know bribery corrupts the soul and i wasnt even thinking i just wanted to get away as soon as i could. i still feel utterly aweful about the whole thing. at least its one thing i can tick off my list of things to do before i die...bribe a police man. doesnt sound very holy eh? well im ashamed of myself.

in genral ive been feeling pretty stretched at the moment and have a growing list of jobs and errands to run. this song has come to sum up how im feeling at the moment.

havent i been faithful to you lord?
havent i offered up my prayers and tried to follow your word?
lord wont you search me and show me where im wrong?
ive been waiting for the blessing for far too long

lord forgive me for speaking this right out
but i see the wicked prosper while the godly go without
i cant read human hearts but do you know where im coming from?
ive been waiting for the blessing for far too long

lord up ahead i see the lonely road
ive got this burden on my back its such a heavy load
these day ive got questions buit theres no answers in my songs
ive been waiting for the blessing for far too long

please dont be angry with me oh my god
please dont hide your face away
im like a child and im down on my knees
and im begging for you just to bless me today

brian houston. 'rollercoaster' album.

Ben.